Although we may be attracted to a perfect-looking body or someone who is the life of the party, it is honesty, persistence, and loyalty that are the keys to a relationship that can stand the test of time. People who can survive the test of many seasons after the initial springtime love fest must be flexible, capable of apologizing when necessary, and willing to change.
A successful relationship requires honest self-knowledge. He promises that our relationship is forever.”) How to really know if your partner is right for you.ĭespite the message of the popular Beatles song that “all you need is love,” the merge is a time when you need to access your rational self as much as your emotional self. (“It doesn’t matter that he’s had seven wives, doesn’t speak to any of his 11 children, and can’t hold down a job! I love him. During this stage, people may believe that their feelings are a true barometer of the relationship, ignoring warning signs, incompatibility, and plain old logic. This neurochemical cocktail is so powerful, it can make you blind to red flags in a relationship or cause you to downplay problems because you so badly want to be with the person. In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term “ limerence” to describe the state of mind that occurs when our brains are flooded with a cocktail of hormones and chemicals that includes pleasure-inducing dopamine and endorphins, aphrodisiacs such as phenethylamine (also found in chocolate), and oxytocin, which promotes empathy and bonding. The fantasy of permanent bliss is fueled by feel-good neurochemicals that can overpower common sense.
In any relationship, I call the falling-in-love stage “the merge” because during this stage, we often feel as if we have found our other half-our missing part. That’s because “trusting your heart” in practice often means trusting the power of what I call the “love cocktail”-the rush of chemicals triggered in the brain in response to falling in love. This simplistic counsel can lead you into a disastrous relationship with a person who may look good, smell good, and sound good but who lacks the skills necessary to make a relationship last or who is otherwise inappropriate for you. When you are trying to decide whether a person is right for you, well-meaning clichés and idealistic advisers may tell you to “just trust your heart.”
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